I Suck as a Pastor's Wife

I hate being a pastors wife!
There... I said it.
Now don't misunderstand, I love being Loren's wife, I mean... have you seen that plaid hotty??? He is the most emotionally stable, funny, non-annoying person I have ever met and he treats me better than I could have hoped for. I am abundantly blessed to have him as a husband. I just don't feel like I make a very good pastor's wife. And the fact that I am a pastor's wife has caused me to feel a lot of guilt, loneliness, and sadness the past couple of years. Notice I said that it was just the fact that I am a pastor's wife, and not that any person made me feel this way. In fact, there are people in our church who tell me that they love that I am just me... It was (and sometimes still is) my perception of what I think a pastor's wife should be.

Some History...

Six years ago I lost my mom. It was devastating for me and I still miss her like crazy. That year, and the years following, were difficult for me emotionally. One way I coped was working out with a group of girls while Marshall whipped us into shape. That group helped me through so much just by being there to complain about Marshall with, laugh until we cried, and to make it through something difficult together. Although I felt like a hot mess during that time, I have such great memories of how God used it to grow me, give me empathy for others, and give me a bond with a group of women that might not have happened otherwise. On the other side I can see how He used something that was terrible to create something beautiful in me. I had no control over my mom passing away. I know she loved me and I have hope that I will see her again one day and it will be wonderful!

The past year and a half has been devastating for me in a different way. I almost think it is harder because it is something that I have chosen instead of something that happened to me.

A couple of years ago I went back to school. I have always wanted to be an elementary school teacher and the timing seemed perfect. The kids were both in school full days, things at church were going well, and Loren's mom offered to help pay for me to finish my degree. How could I pass that up??? Although I was terrified, Loren encouraged me to go for it! He already had his doctorate at this point and I was excited that it was my turn.

I loved school and was able to finish 4 years in 1 1/2 doing an accelerated program. I would drop the kids off at school, do my schoolwork, pick them up, eat dinner, put them to bed and do more schoolwork. I was able to do my student teaching at the school where my kids were attending. At the time, Brent was the director of the school. Brent was the reason we had chosen the school and I had served in Children's ministry under him for years. I knew that he would be a wonderful, caring boss in an environment that I really felt like I could grow as an educator. I loved student teaching. I was excited about what the future was going to bring and the people that God was going to bring into my life to show His love to in this new adventure.

During this time I no longer was able to meet with women for coffee or lunch like I used to. I had spent the year before (my kids had just started school) going to bible studies during the day and pouring into women at church and felt like I knew most everyone. That was a fun year and for the first time since we moved to Utah I felt like a "pastor's wife". I was doing what a pastor's wife does to support her husband and the women in our little church. I didn't do it perfectly, and there were always people that felt left out. I would try my best to reach out to everyone that I could. I am a people pleaser by nature and I remember starting to feel overwhelmed at all of the needs and brokenness of the people around me. There was also always someone who felt left out no matter what I did. It got to the point where I no longer wanted to organize anything in case I forgot someone. I didn't want it to be my fault that someone was left out. Don't get me wrong, I never intentionally excluded anyone. I just felt like I could never invite a group of people over and not invite everyone. And that is when I realized something about myself... I hate hanging out in big groups!

As a pastor's wife, this is a problem! I was trying so hard to keep everyone happy and I was miserable. In big groups it is much harder to get to know people. I love sitting down with people and getting to hear their stories. In big groups I get really awkward. Usually I still laugh a lot because people tend to tell silly stories in big groups, but I leave feeling drained. When I can sit down with someone or go for a walk with someone and just talk real, it fills me.

I don't have family close by and I have some friends who have become like family. The problem with that is that I feel guilty. I feel like it's not okay to be close to just a couple of people when there were so many needs in the church. But I desperately need a close friend who I can just be me with. I have a friend who knows all of this about me and used to invite me and 1 or 2 people over to her house for things so I wouldn't be the one excluding anyone. I desperately needed that time and she knew it. I would never post anything about it on facebook or instagram just in case someone would see it and get their feelings hurt.

Now back to teaching... I began my first year teaching and it was nothing like I had planned. Just as I was finishing up my student teaching, Loren told me that the church was finally able to bring Brent on staff full time.

NOW??? Seriously... NOW?

I knew it was going to be great for the church, but it totally messed up MY PLANS! He was the original reason I wanted to be at that school, and now he was leaving. He was leaving to follow God's call and serve where he is totally gifted, but he was leaving me. I may or may not have had a bit of a temper tantrum about that (okay...I definitely did on more than one occasion).

So my first year of teaching was really difficult.
Change is always hard, and I had gone from being home with my kids to working 60 hours a week. My kids were at school from 6:45am until around 6pm with me any time that Loren couldn't come pick them up. I felt immense mom guilt and honestly, I just missed them. Even though they were at my school, I felt like I never saw them.

And then... half way through my first year...Loren tells me this...

Guess what! The owner is selling our church building and we need to find a new building for our church!"

NOW??? Seriously... NOW? (insert TEMPER TANTRUM)

It just didn't seem fair. It was MY TURN. It was my time to pursue my dream and use the gifts that God has given ME!

So now I'm working 60 hours a week and Loren has to figure out how to purchase and renovate a building. It's pretty much the perfect storm. I wish I could say that I was totally supportive and excited for what God was doing, but I mostly checked out for the whole process. It was too much for me to handle and I cried all the time. I went to work, came home, ate, said goodnight to the kids and fell asleep. I was feeling like a failure in pretty much every area of my life and I was really lonely. I no longer was able to get together with friends because I had nothing left to give and so people stopped inviting me to things. I wanted to spend time with my kids, but I was so tired from the 26 I had in my class all day that my patience was gone. I pretty much only had time with Loren on Sunday after church and he would fall asleep watching TV while I would grade papers. It felt like we had shared custody of the kids, we saw each other when we were passing them back and forth.

The building is finally complete, and the Lord is beginning to change my attitude about it all. I have recently been reminded of all that God has done since we moved here. I have sat with people as God drew them to Himself. I have watched in awe of how He makes Himself known to people that I never imagined would come to Him. With all of my imperfections, He has allowed me to be a part of His amazing plan. Even in my tantrums, He has shown His goodness. And most of the time I didn't have to say or do anything. I just had to be present and watch him work.

This past weekend we were talking about the fruit of the spirit. When I think about the fruit of the Spirit in my own life, especially in this past year and a half, I think about how hard it is to be more loving, more joyful, more peaceful, more patient, more kind, more good...etc. When I just try my best to be those things, I fail over and over again. But when I go back to the cross and remember what He did, When I look more deeply at the gospel... When I understand that he died for me when my heart was ugly and he was raised so that I might have new life in Him... When I was throwing temper tantrums because of what HE was doing... he was loving me completely. He continues to show me grace even when I don't have the strength to come to Him. When I understand the beauty of that, it changes me. I show more love to others because I know what it is like to be loved even when I'm at my worst. I have more joy because I am complete in him. I have more peace because I know who's hands I am in. I am more patient because he was patient with me. I am more kind because I have been shown kindness when I was not deserving of it. I am gentle because he has been gentle with me as he lovingly corrects me. I know that I am not good, but He is.


The fruit is proof that the tree is alive.

Sometimes it takes those really crappy times for us to realize how loved we truly are. Sometimes it takes loneliness and failure to understand his grace better. Just as he made something beautiful out of the loss of my mom, I know he can redeem this past year and a half in me as well. I can feel the new fruit starting to blossom... hopefully Spring will arrive soon.

I share this because there are so many people in our church that I want to know. I have heard great things about people and have yet to find the time to introduce myself or sit down over coffee. Maybe there is someone who just needs a friend to talk to. My life is still just as hectic and I have made a point to prioritize my kids and my husband this year, but maybe some of you will have time to write some of your story and we can connect that way. Or maybe if we are all sharing our stories, we will find that we have things in common that we didn't even realize. I know what it's like to feel alone, and I know what it is like to feel like I don't fit. But I also know that when we share stories in small groups, I feel a connection with those people even after the groups change.

Also... If you're looking for a legit pastor's wife, give Chris Edwards a call... She's probably already introduced herself to you at church