Valentine's thoughts

Valentines day is coming soon and I have been thinking of some fun things to do with the kids and make for Loren. As I was brainstorming ideas... I began to think about how happy I am to be married to my Loren.

Loren and I have been married almost 9 years and I am only now realizing just how much our relationship has changed and grown. While we were dating I was all giddy and twitterpated each time I would see him or hear his voice or even think about him. I couldn't believe that such an amazing, funny, outgoing, sincere, godly, handsome man would want to be with me. He was perfect!!!

Our first year of marriage was wonderful and hard at the same time. I began to realize how selfish I am. I always thought of myself as free spirited and easy going... but marriage made me realize that I was that way only as long as it was on MY terms. It was hard to give up some control of my life and think of this other person first. I was homesick and everything in my world changed all at once. I got married and moved across the country. I hadn't realized how much my identity was wrapped up in my friends and my ministry at home. I had a bit of an identity crisis as those things were not in New Jersey and now people only knew me as Loren's wife. I was extremely proud to be called that, but I still wasn't sure what that was supposed to look like. I had never been anyone's wife before. We had a lot of fun and had so many amazing experiences together, but I also made a lot of mistakes that first year. I said many words to Loren that I regret and shed a lot of tears. And through all of it, Loren showed me so much grace!

We moved to California the next year and that was even harder. More and more stuff from the deep parts of my heart was being brought to the surface and it wasn't pretty. I thought I was more spiritually mature than I actually was and I had a big struggle within myself to be able to surrender. It wasn't really a surrender to let Loren lead our family, I always new he would be better at that than me :-) It was a struggle to trust God to take care of us through it all. It was a struggle to trust that the Amazing God who created me knows what will fulfill me much more than I do ... Especially since I was still having my identity crisis. But during this struggle I have to say that many times I was much less than wonderful to be around.

About 3 years into our time in California, I finally felt like it was home and I saw that we were exactly were we were supposed to be. I began to love Fresno and our church and all the people around us... and then 2 years later we moved to Utah!... and I went through it all over again! go figure ;-) I am so thankful that I went through all that I did because it brought me so much closer to Jesus... and so much closer to Loren. The funny thing about it is that my relationship is closer with both of them for the same reasons. Loren saw me in my sin. He saw many things about me that I know he didn't see before he married me. I said hurtful things, I did many things that I wish I could take back, and sometimes I was just a big ol' mess. He saw all those things and he loved me through it. The longer we are married, the more he really knows me...and he still loves me! That is the part that overwhelms me sometimes. I love him even more now than I did when I was giddy at the thought of him. Our love is more real now... with 2 kids and a lot of craziness... because we actually know each other. The good and the bad. He is my best friend and I am overjoyed to be on this journey with him.

The even more crazy thing is that Jesus knows me even better than my husband does. He can see right into the depths of my heart. He knows not only when I sin, but even when I have any sort of unrighteous thought or feeling about someone or something. He knows the REAL me and he looks at me and loves ME...the real ME. Not only does he love me, but he gave his life for me so that I could have a relationship with God through Him. If I didn't realize how ugly my heart really is and how sinful I truly am... I wouldn't be able to understand how great His love is for me. I wouldn't be overwhelmed and changed by it! Thank you Jesus for your gift of grace! I know I don't deserve it.

Wow! I just got a whole new perspective on Valentine's day. This makes me think I need to make the John 3:16 valentine picture I saw on pinterest. If I make it I will post a picture! I will also do some things involving love notes and chocolate ;-)

I'm still here!

We have been in Utah for 2 years now... holy moly what a rollercoaster. I can honestly say that I LOVE living in Utah! I specifically love living in Centerville. Almost every day I look around and am so thankful that God has called us to this amazing place. It is beautiful, safe, clean, and has some of the nicest, coolest, and craftiest people I have ever met. I think about 90% of the really cool stuff on Pinterest comes from somewhere in Utah. Maybe even from my neighborhood! I am learning so much from them and I am super excited that my friend Ashley Samsel started blogging all of her fun stuff she does with her kids. They go all out for every holiday... and I mean EVERY holiday. Groundhog day, Chinese new year... and I am pretty sure she may even makes some up just to do fun stuff with the kids. She has inspired me to go back to my "once upon a family" days and be super intentional about making memories with my boys. These last 2 years have been so crazy that I have need to record it so that we remember that it really happened :-)

Our Church (The Bridge Community) is doing great. We have been growing and many new families are getting plugged in. Our worship team has grown and they sound amazing!!! We love the location and the building we meet in. We honestly can't believe how perfect it has worked out. Things seem to be finally to a point where everything is running smoothly... so of coarse it's time to shake things up a bit. 3 of our key families are leaving this month. 2 moving out of state and one just looking for a church to serve at closer to their home which is 45 minutes away. They were all leading ministries. It is terribly sad for us because all of these people have become like family to us and The Bridge would not be where we are now without them. I think this is something I should get used to in ministry, but it is hard every time and especially with a church plant. I understand the importance of the body of Christ so much more now. We came here completely ill equipped to plant a church... so the Lord sent others to fill in the gaps. It was meant to be that way, that is why we all have different gifts. Now is the exciting part where we get to see who is going to step into those roles. I am sad and excited at the same time. Our Lord has been so faithful to provide these past 2 years that I know this is not to hard for Him... and we will be so blessed because of this time where we are once again on our knees saying "I don't know what's going to happen, but I'm glad you do, help me trust you."

So that is the difficult thing going on right now, but there is a lot of great stuff too. We are getting more and more new neighbors and we absolutely love our neighborhood. Houses are selling like crazy and it is fun to get to see all new faces. We love getting there right when they get their keys and having the boys bring paper towels and toilet paper because we would always forget that every time we move. There is nothing worse than going to the bathroom in your brand new house and then realizing that you have to air dry! Today we were talking about getting gnomes and putting them all around the neighborhood and then moving them around each night so it will seem like they are all friends out having fun while the neighborhood is asleep. If only we had unlimited amounts of money... I could do so many fun things!

Our new house

So we are building a home here... which was supposed to be completed by the end of February. They dug our basement on Feb 5 so I guess we are slightly behind schedule :) Our house is going to be beautiful with plenty of room for visitors, which is why we added the basement. The upstairs is fairly small (or smaller than we are used to) with about 1480 square feet. It has 2 bedrooms upstairs, which works out fine since we have 2 boys who enjoy sharing a room. It has been fun to watch them work and we are getting more and more excited about it.

I often take the boys to play at the park in the neighborhood and the other day I noticed something. I think one of the houses behind where we are building has some sort of wild animal reserve. There are definitely roosters and many other birds. I can't be to sure, but I may have heard a monkey. Luckily it isn't the house directly behind us, but next door to that... so we probably won't hear them, right?

We have been very blessed by the rental house we are staying in now. It is in a wonderful neighborhood and we have gotten to know a few of our neighbors. I think God had the delay in his plans. Part of me is sad to leave this neighborhood... but the good news is that we are only walking distance away. It has been fun to almost outgrow our house already. We have 5 families now that meet on Sunday nights and a total of 7 children. The oldest child is 5. It is funny to hear all the noise coming from upstairs during our Bible Study. With 5 boys... it sounds like chaos upstairs (but it is controlled). It will be much nicer when we can watch the kids in the basement and they will have a lot more to do. God has been so faithful! One of the families found our website the first day Loren put it up. Another family met Amanda at Carl's Jr. It is truly exciting to see God adding to our numbers those who will come along side us to help reach this community for Christ! We have been building relationships with many people in the community and are so excited to see what the Lord will do. He is so faithful!!!

home in Utah

We have been in Utah for about a month now. It felt like home surprisingly fast... especially since we still have half of our belongings in the garage awaiting our home we are building. The house we are renting is smaller than we are used to, but is plenty for our family right now, and our neighbors have been amazing. The first week we were here almost every neighbor came to introduce themselves and have been genuinely friendly ever since. Most of our neighbors are in about the same life stage as us with small children or just beginning a family. We have spent some time with the couple next door and we are really enjoying their company. We are very "TV compatible" and watch " Community" together on Thursday nights. We are really excited to get to know them better. And the best part is... they know why we moved here and still want to be our friends!

One thing that has really helped with the transition is that we have never been here alone. Cydney moved first (the most courageous of us all) and then Gianni. Blake and Amanda moved shortly after we arrived and we have had visitors every other week. Tamara is now here with us for 3 months and it is so great to have a kindred spirit around. Loren and I haven't been alone since we got here, but I am really enjoying having people around during this time when usually I would be a mess. I guess I just haven't had time to be lonely yet and have been to busy to be homesick. I think I am on the verge of a melt down soon though... it is bound to happen :)

Church planting in Utah is a very slow process. There is so much to be done and SO MANY relationships to form. We have been very blessed by the other pastors here and their willingness to work together... across denominational lines. We are also seeing that Christians in this area (the few that there are) have really had to count the cost and are living out their faith. You don't have as many casual christians... There are a ton of really religious people and a ton of very secular people, kinda like in the New Testament, I guess. I am a bit overwhelmed at the task ahead of us, but know that God is the one who will bring the increase. We are doing our best to be faithful to Him and to the ministry that He has called us. We really love South Davis County and are doing what we can to get involved in the city here.

Right now, I think I just need to have a good laugh. You know one of those days where you can't stop giggling and you laugh so hard that you cry... that's what I need. And I also need a doughnut!

changes

We are in another time of change in our life. I am so excited to see what the Lord has planned for us and the ways He is going to use us on this next adventure, But I know myself... and I know that typically when I know a move is coming I begin to withdrawal. I find myself letting go long before we leave. It is like I start to mourn the loss before I have lost it. But this time I am one step ahead of the game. I am purposefully going to make the most of the time I have here with friends and family. TAKE THAT SELF!

Utah Weekend

This weekend we went to the Compassionate Boldness conference in Draper, UT. Brent, Rose, and Marshall went with us to see the sights and get pumped about maybe serving the Lord in UT in the future with us! We came home very encouraged and feeling more and more like UT is where we need to be.
Some of the highlights were:
1. Staying with the Hurlbutt family! Brian is in Loren's doctorate program and he is a pastor in UT. They have very similar personalities and always have so much fun when they get together. His wife Jennifer is amazing and has been encouraging and supportive and a great person to talk to when I am freaking out!!!
2. Being with like minded Christians at the conference. We all want to better share the Truth with gentleness and love.
3. Meeting and spending some time with Charles Hill and his peeps. We are so excited for the opportunity to work with them in the future! God has given Charles such a passion for reaching the lost and we are looking forward to learning a ton about church planting from him!
4. Finally finding a bathroom in Farmington before we all soiled the rental car. Marshall says that he will NEVER live in Farmington!!! :)
5. Meeting a Christian woman in the park in Woods Cross who drives into the city to go to church. It was so great to hear what life is like for her family as a non-lds family in Davis County. This made us want to come even more!

We can't wait to return to UT in a couple of weeks and then off to assessment. We are excited to see what the Lord will do!!!

My Story

I have been thinking a lot lately about what Christ accomplished on the cross and how amazing it is... how freeing it is and  how the gospel has truly changed my life.  Before I understood this... I thought I was a Christian. 

In my mind being Christian was pretty much  the same as being moral (by the worlds standards).  In Jr. High I prayed a prayer because the person preaching said I would go to hell if I didn't have Jesus in my heart... and I thought to myself  "I prefer not to go to hell" so I went forward and had this emotional experience!  I cried and repented of all of the "bad things" I had done and set out to do good things.  I was good at it!  I didn't drink, never smoked a cigarette, rarely cursed, and used a crosswalk even when J-walking would have saved a ton of time.  I would help an old lady across the street, and give a stranger a dollar if they asked.  I smiled at people and would listen to their problems.  In fact, in my high school yearbook I was voted "best all around" (whatever that means).  I even told people about Jesus and gave 10% of my income to the church!  I read the bible as a book of instructions on how to live a good life.  I looked down on others who weren't living as moral of a life as I was.  There was no real fruit in my life (love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self control) There was the appearance of fruit,   but really they were things that I did so that I would be able to say... "Look how good I am" and then God  and people would have to accept me.  

 

Then one day I decided to go to a mid week bible study at a church that my parents had been attending where they were studying the book of Acts. It was there that for the first time I really saw that the bible was about a PERSON instead of being about all the things I had to do in order for God to accept me.  At that moment it hit me like a ton of bricks and I was overcome with my sin... the sin of my goodness!  I have been trying to earn my salvation without even realizing it!  I was looking at God saying" look at all of these great things I am doing... look how much better I am than all those sinners!   I deserve your blessings, God! Oh yeah, and thanks for sending Jesus"  
I started to see the bible so much differently.  The whole thing was about Jesus.  Not just the New Testament.  Everything was pointing toward Him or telling us something about Him! The bible became so amazing to me I couldn't put it down.  I started in Genesis and with everything I read I was more and more amazed at who Jesus is!  

I used to look at some of the "works righteousness" religions out there and think... "look at those guys checking off their to do list to earn their way into heaven, it's so sad".   And I did not realize that I was doing exactly the same thing!!!  The real Gospel is offensive to the self righteous (me).  It took a long time to see how sinful I really was. I wanted to say...

 "you mean to tell me that that drug addict prostitute and I are the same? No way!  I am a good person!"

I finally realized... I am not a good person.  I am a selfish imperfect sinner who had always looked out for my own interest above the interest of others.  I don't want to surrender control of my life to God.  I can take care of myself!  I want to be the boss of me!  My heart is wicked!!!  No matter how much I tried I could never be good enough.  When I realized that, I also understood what Christ did.  Although I could never be good enough, He is!  He came to Earth and lived the life I should have lived and suffered and died the death I should have died so that I could be reconciled to God.  He overcame sin and death when He was raised on the third day.  And now when the Father looks at me, He doesn't see my sinfulness, He sees Christ!  

Because of that, my heart has been made new.  I know I am loved and accepted by Him and so I am free to love others now without worry of being rejected by them.  I am now free to love people who are very hard to love and forgive people who really don't deserve forgiveness... because I have been loved and forgiven while I was undeserving. It is a continual process, (that sometimes feels very slow) but I am slowly growing and learning all the time.  In fact, the more I learn, the more I know that there is so much more to learn.  We serve a big God and for that I am so thankful!

Praise Jesus!