Valentine's thoughts

Valentines day is coming soon and I have been thinking of some fun things to do with the kids and make for Loren. As I was brainstorming ideas... I began to think about how happy I am to be married to my Loren.

Loren and I have been married almost 9 years and I am only now realizing just how much our relationship has changed and grown. While we were dating I was all giddy and twitterpated each time I would see him or hear his voice or even think about him. I couldn't believe that such an amazing, funny, outgoing, sincere, godly, handsome man would want to be with me. He was perfect!!!

Our first year of marriage was wonderful and hard at the same time. I began to realize how selfish I am. I always thought of myself as free spirited and easy going... but marriage made me realize that I was that way only as long as it was on MY terms. It was hard to give up some control of my life and think of this other person first. I was homesick and everything in my world changed all at once. I got married and moved across the country. I hadn't realized how much my identity was wrapped up in my friends and my ministry at home. I had a bit of an identity crisis as those things were not in New Jersey and now people only knew me as Loren's wife. I was extremely proud to be called that, but I still wasn't sure what that was supposed to look like. I had never been anyone's wife before. We had a lot of fun and had so many amazing experiences together, but I also made a lot of mistakes that first year. I said many words to Loren that I regret and shed a lot of tears. And through all of it, Loren showed me so much grace!

We moved to California the next year and that was even harder. More and more stuff from the deep parts of my heart was being brought to the surface and it wasn't pretty. I thought I was more spiritually mature than I actually was and I had a big struggle within myself to be able to surrender. It wasn't really a surrender to let Loren lead our family, I always new he would be better at that than me :-) It was a struggle to trust God to take care of us through it all. It was a struggle to trust that the Amazing God who created me knows what will fulfill me much more than I do ... Especially since I was still having my identity crisis. But during this struggle I have to say that many times I was much less than wonderful to be around.

About 3 years into our time in California, I finally felt like it was home and I saw that we were exactly were we were supposed to be. I began to love Fresno and our church and all the people around us... and then 2 years later we moved to Utah!... and I went through it all over again! go figure ;-) I am so thankful that I went through all that I did because it brought me so much closer to Jesus... and so much closer to Loren. The funny thing about it is that my relationship is closer with both of them for the same reasons. Loren saw me in my sin. He saw many things about me that I know he didn't see before he married me. I said hurtful things, I did many things that I wish I could take back, and sometimes I was just a big ol' mess. He saw all those things and he loved me through it. The longer we are married, the more he really knows me...and he still loves me! That is the part that overwhelms me sometimes. I love him even more now than I did when I was giddy at the thought of him. Our love is more real now... with 2 kids and a lot of craziness... because we actually know each other. The good and the bad. He is my best friend and I am overjoyed to be on this journey with him.

The even more crazy thing is that Jesus knows me even better than my husband does. He can see right into the depths of my heart. He knows not only when I sin, but even when I have any sort of unrighteous thought or feeling about someone or something. He knows the REAL me and he looks at me and loves ME...the real ME. Not only does he love me, but he gave his life for me so that I could have a relationship with God through Him. If I didn't realize how ugly my heart really is and how sinful I truly am... I wouldn't be able to understand how great His love is for me. I wouldn't be overwhelmed and changed by it! Thank you Jesus for your gift of grace! I know I don't deserve it.

Wow! I just got a whole new perspective on Valentine's day. This makes me think I need to make the John 3:16 valentine picture I saw on pinterest. If I make it I will post a picture! I will also do some things involving love notes and chocolate ;-)